All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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