The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm passing your future prison.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
