My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
