I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
