Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
