Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
