Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
