Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
