if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
