If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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