Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
