Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
