That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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