News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
