Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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