she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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