I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
