i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
