I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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