So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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