god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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