I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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