Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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