I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
