If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
