I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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