Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
