I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
