Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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