I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
