Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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