You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
