im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
