I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
