we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
