God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
