His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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