is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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