I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
