I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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