i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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