is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
