i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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