the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
