At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ugly people sure do ruin things
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
