i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
