You're my little dorito
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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