The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
