how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
