matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I had to cum in my sink.
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